Template Rebellion

 "Understanding is Love's other name" ~~Thich Nhat Hahn

Seriously, I just pull this stuff out of his short book, "How to Love", and then reflect on how what he says is relevant to my life and experience. 

Today, I am really stressed out over a job interview that is happening tomorrow, but I am also sad and mourning over lost love. In just writing that, I have to remind myself: 

Love is not possession

Love is understanding 

But often I remember the time he said I didn't understand him. It was the last time he ever spoke to me. It's hard to be cut out from someone's life, but I probably sound like I'm playing the victim says that when I don't deserve to be in his life. Even if I did deserve it, it's up to him, not me. And that's probably something he felt that I just didn't get or understand. 

I won't hash it out though. 

Sometimes I wonder if my friends B or E still check for posts on my blog, because I haven't posted in a long time. I have been too depressed, too unwilling to face the painful emotions that visit me when I write or meditate. Unarguably, I have defined myself by the relationships I have had, because as my relationships fall away so too do pieces of self-worth. I lay awake at nights, cry over emails I shouldn't be sending, have random bouts of vertigo while thinking about the people that I wish were still in my life at a greater capacity or at all. It's a void, something that I have been trying to fill with the approval and acceptance from other people. 

A facet of what brought me to this blog post today was the result of a google search I uh....conducted? 

"combating impostor syndrome" 

I read an article that listed a number of techniques, but the last bullet point stuck with me most as it reminded me of a practice I once cultivated (and maybe should revisit) through Buddhism and mindfulness. It was about treating your feelings of impostor syndrome as you would a friend who needs help, direction or comfort--this is a means of externalizing your thoughts so that they are not identified as part of you, and embracing them in a such a way that makes the feeling or thought manageable rather than overwhelming. It helps me to externalize my thoughts and feelings this way, because I tend to be more loving, comforting, and easy-going with others than I am with myself. 

That feels like the end of this post. Hopefully, at some point, my writing will develop so that my blog posts end with some sort of witty quip or a fully fleshed out conclusion that provides the most important information disguised as meaningful insight. But right now, it's just more personal and what's on my mind as I don't have the energy to cater to writing templates.

And, with that, I hope you have a lovely evening. ❤💙💚💛💜✌