Whatever Blog

 It feels so right to here with these ideas in my head. I want to go to grad school so badly but I have been unsure for a long while about what it is that I want to do there, because I have so many interests.  You can't imagine all that is racing through my head as I consider the possibilities.  And I'm looking at different programs and trying to decide: "What is the right path for me?" In your eyes, it might seem as simple as just picking a passion and running with it, but for me it is about pursuing my many interests while staying true to my values which center around community care, love and peace. I find that a delicate and difficult balance to strike, because while pursing my interests I find that it can be easy to get caught up in a "me, me, me" thinking pattern without considering the rest of the world. I have been heavily focused inward lately and, while there is a time and place for that, I'm ready to step outward again.  I feel in my heart, the...

I haven't done this is a while, and it feels good. It's really difficult but it feels good to write and get my feelings and thoughts out. The movement of my fingers and I type is cathartic; therefore, I'm a pretty loud typer.  I started a new job recently, last month, but I'm steadily ruining it. I don't know how to apologize or change what's wrong. And I feel like that is a major flaw of mine, not only at work but I'm life. I'm slow to change and I don't know how to show others that I'm trying to get better, do better, when I regress. I appreciate being held accountable. I just don't want to lose my job. Not only do I need it...I actually like it.  Another thing that is going on is...well, I'm starting to miss my friends. I don't feel like I see them a lot or connect as well with them as I would like to.  Another thing is...I don't feel pretty. I don't feel myself. Pretty shouldn't matter, but it does to me. I like to lik...

 Hey there,  ...I had yet another urge to reach out to the wrong person. I'm not sure if anyone has picked up on it yet, but blogging is a huge coping tool for me.  What are your coping tools?  Sometimes, I make lists of all the things that make me happy. And on that list is making lists.  One thing I haven't done in a while is make art. I'm really proud of this creation with oil pastels and charcoal pencils: oil pastels, white charcoal, black charcoal The person looks kinda cross-eyed though, don't you think?  One thing about me is that I grew up as an artist. I had friends and good teachers who encouraged my work. Of course, I found other interests the same way and pursued those eventually, which took away from a lot of the art I could have been doing.  I think I also always thought that I couldn't make money or a living doing art, so I never took it seriously.  If you have any, please, share your art with me :) 

 "Understanding is Love's other name" ~~Thich Nhat Hahn Seriously, I just pull this stuff out of his short book, "How to Love", and then reflect on how what he says is relevant to my life and experience.  Today, I am really stressed out over a job interview that is happening tomorrow, but I am also sad and mourning over lost love. In just writing that, I have to remind myself:  Love is not possession Love is understanding  But often I remember the time he said I didn't understand him. It was the last time he ever spoke to me. It's hard to be cut out from someone's life, but I probably sound like I'm playing the victim says that when I don't deserve to be in his life. Even if I did deserve it, it's up to him, not me. And that's probably something he felt that I just didn't get or understand.  I won't hash it out though.  Sometimes I wonder if my friends B or E still check for posts on my blog, because I haven't posted in a ...

 There are some days when I feel like I can't do this. Like today. When it's not easy to stay kind and loving, I often think: "what is wrong with me? And why can't I figure out what to do in this situation?"  Sometimes it is best to do nothing or walk away, but I find that extremely hard to do. I don't feel "strong" anymore for persevering through my obstacles. I feel weak for holding onto my expectations of how I want life to go and constantly being disappointed. It's an experience I am going through repeatedly and it's honestly boring. How can I forgive myself for making the same mistakes? I don't know. 

I love you.  I wish the best for you.  I hope you have a nice life.